A while back, a memory popped up on my Facebook news feed—a picture of the cohort from my doctoral program at Asbury sitting in a classroom around a set of U-shaped tables. That picture immediately took me back to that chapter in my life—the longings that prompted me to go back to school and further my education … the relationships I forged … and the new insights and understandings I took away from the experience.
I spent some time reflecting on the latter and asked myself, “What was, perhaps, the single most enlightening insight I derived?” While I wasn’t able to nail it down to just one (there are a couple of other things that will likely be the topic of a future post), one of the major “light bulb” takeaways was the notion of systems theory, as articulated by Edwin Friedman, and the related concept of emotional intelligence.
In systems theory, Friedman stated that we typically don’t relate to each other person-to-person but, rather, context-to-context … that the nature of the relationship profoundly shapes how the interaction plays out. He also said a key ability for effective leadership is self-differentiation … the ability to separate from the surrounding emotional processes, maintain clarity about your personal vision and role and effectively regulate your own emotions in the face of reactive sabotage. When a leader is able to self-differentiate, he/she can disagree with another person while still maintaining a warm and connected relationship. Sick systems don’t allow for difference of opinion—healthy systems do! And the leader in such a system isn’t what Friedman described as a “highly anxious risk avoider.” He or she is someone who doesn’t need to be popular but does desire to be respected.
This leads to the idea of emotional intelligence … the ability to effectively understand how we relate to, and are perceived by, others. One cannot lead a healthy system if he/she does not possess a strong sense of emotional intelligence. As I leaned into this topic, I understood its profound implications for pastoral ministry. Many pastors, who are extremely gifted and talented, are done in by the gaps in their emotional intelligence which, in turn, undercuts their ministry effectiveness. It is perhaps the major cause of relational and leadership dysfunction.
How do gaps in emotional intelligence manifest themselves? Such a person is typically defensive and unable to negotiate conflict or resolve differences in a healthy way. There is a need to get their own way and a marginalization of those who disagree. They tend to control, rather than empower, others. They tend to be unapproachable and use terms like “God told me” to shut down discussion. They tend to see the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys—a mindset that leads them to demonize and cut off those they consider to be bad guys. And they typically display a victim mentality—whenever conflict occurs, it is always the other party’s fault.
People with strong emotional intelligence are approachable … have nothing to prove … and seek to resolve conflict quickly and well. With an emotionally intelligent person, there are no issues that are “off limits” to discuss. They are able to maintain relationships with those who don’t see eye-to-eye with them. They extend forgiveness easily, are flexible, and are team players … valuing “we” more than “me.” When conflict happens, they extend grace … willingly take responsibility for their part … and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
As I reflect on this topic, I remember something Pete Scazzero said in his book “The Emotionally Healthy Church” … that it is impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. My sense is there are a number of Christians who fashion themselves as being spiritually mature while typically behaving in ways that are emotionally immature. My prayer is God will help me, and us, to be increasingly spiritually mature and that this growth will express itself in emotional maturity and intelligence. For when followers of Jesus are emotionally intelligent, we can relate respectfully and courteously to folks who disagree with us. And in an increasingly antagonistic, fragmented, contentious, and hostile world, this is an essential skill.