I mentioned in a previous post that over the course of my pastoral ministry, some people left the churches I pastored. And over the course of thirty years, I developed a strategy for what to do with such people—namely, honor their decision and let them go.
While that doesn’t particularly sound like a loving or caring thing to do, I believed it was the adult and responsible thing to do.
For one thing, people who leave a church have a reason for doing so. It may not be a good one, but they have one. They got offended … or didn’t like a particular sermon … or didn’t get featured enough in the music program … or any of a hundred other potential reasons. Perhaps there’s an embedded dysfunction in the church that needs to be addressed, or a controlling family that needs to have their wings clipped. Again—people leave for a variety of reasons. But most of them typically have something to do with some perceived slight or snub.
And here’s the reality: If they left once because they got offended, chances are they’ll leave again because they got offended again. As Dr. Phil says, “The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.” As a pastor or church member, why would you want to invest time and energy in people who, if they were to return, would likely have significant baggage and be prone to unpack it in ways that would cause conflict and imperil unity? That just doesn’t make sense!
These folks left for a reason and, no matter what it was, it’s likely the reason will resurface sometime down the line and the process will repeat itself. And when it happens a second time, typically there is more harm than there was the first time.
Now—that doesn’t mean I don’t reach out to people who leave and try to bring closure to the relationship. That doesn’t mean I don’t try to clear up any misunderstandings that may have contributed to their decision. I think that’s healthy, and the Bible teaches we should strive to meet face-to-face with folks to resolve differences and work through issues. It also doesn’t mean I ignore a former attender who, of their own volition, decided to drop in for a service unsolicited after being gone for a period of time. That is something they chose to do for some reason that has nothing to do with any attempts to re-engage or re-connect with them on my, or the church’s, part. But in terms of strategically trying to reactivate former attenders, I believe that is an exercise fraught with frustration that, if successful, is likely not going to yield the hoped-for results.
When someone leaves a church, regardless of what reason they give, it’s because they don’t perceive they’re being blessed. And people who don’t feel like they’re being blessed will find it difficult to be a blessing to others. Instead of investing in trying to bring back former members, it’s best to use that same energy to go after people who don’t have the accumulated baggage toward the church that former attenders typically have.
Bottom line: People who leave a church don’t do so accidentally. They make a choice. They’re adults. And when adults make a decision, it’s incumbent upon us to honor their decision—in fact, honoring their decision and letting them go with our blessing is the most virtuous thing a church can do. To do otherwise reeks of desperation.